it's like a movie when you walk up and the sweet mom comes over to give you a hug and you can joke about clearing all those crazy plants away for the party next weekend. over the shoulder shot of you opening the door and walking in so confidently as if you actually lived there, and then she's sitting on the couch and you surprise her while she's on the phone and silently trace the shape of a star on the palm of her hand while she talks. it's like a movie because it's such a secret from the world that you have to work not to shout out loud as you run down dark streets with steady dull wet beats as rubber scrapes saturated asphalt. faster and faster and faster until you're right back where you started and you stand clutching an oversized glass of water fighting the urge to throw up, one hand grasping the countertop to steady yourself. you are so, so tired, but life is so, so beautiful, you tell yourself.

sometimes your brain shuts itself down and you can't do anything about it but it's better than running away like they do in the movies. except if you were in a movie and you ran someone would follow you; this is real life and there's no need to be dramatic about it. life is not a movie no matter how much it parallels one; and you can question how you're supposed to feel all you want but in the end all you know is what's in your heart and you may not be quite sure what to name it but you know it's the most wonderful thing you've had growing inside you in a long time because the most wonderful thing is laying beside you with her eyes closed and her arm resting gently on your stomach.

this is all i need, you think to yourself as that song begins to play once more.

past future

last five entries:
blisters and bruises - 03.18.08
dorsey - 03.13.07
finding peace - 02.02.07
unintentional clean slate - 09.11.06
natural born cyborg - 06.23.06