lounging in the editing room, the green of his eyes popped out at me as i stared and watched his lips move. words were coming out and i tried to catch one every so often, but sometimes they slipped through my fingers. "frames.. birthday.. rehearsal.. picnic.. final cut." every time i caught one i stuffed it into my ears to try to block out all the shouting in the background of my mind that was distracting me. when i was with him, it mostly worked, and i allowed myself the guilty pleasure of a small and helpless schoolgirl crush on someone seven years older than i. mostly because no one else in the entire retirement complex shared my musical tastes, mostly because i loved being down in the television studio, mostly because i love hearing laughter ring out and bounce off the walls to buoy me up on sunshine and happiness. and mostly because i didn't want to think about what was inevitably coming to pass after work.

i had a feeling. i talked to a few people about it, and their feelings ranged from 'be prepared for the worst' to 'maybe it's not what you think'. at one point i had managed to convince myself that i was about to hear a confession that she'd messed around with someone else, but adam brought me back down to earth by saying what i knew to be true; 'you know she's too nice for that, she wouldn't hurt you. and why are you hoping for THAT?' i guess i thought i could deal with her having messed around with someone else, but not losing her. i kind of understand why people don't always want to break it off with people who've messed around on them.

i'm being careful with the words i am using. 'break it off' instead of 'break up', 'messed around on' instead of 'cheated on'. we never really defined our relationship as something with set boundaries and limits, and i didn't think we needed to. i don't want to think about that right now, though. what if's are not going to help me.

i'm better right now than i was earlier when i sobbed into my pillow like it was monday night all over again. i've come to terms, at least a little bit, with myself and with her, with what's been taken away from me but also what is still there. what's still there is a lot, and i am fortunate that it is. hopefully, i'll be able to finish healing myself soon. it could be so much worse.

and still i can't help but think 'is it august 29th yet?'.

past future

last five entries:
blisters and bruises - 03.18.08
dorsey - 03.13.07
finding peace - 02.02.07
unintentional clean slate - 09.11.06
natural born cyborg - 06.23.06