the absence of emotion inside of me is scary. i am used to feeling and to openly discussing those feelings. i feel strangely empty. i walked past a huge mirror today and i looked at myself in it, at my frizzy hair begging for a cut and the youth in my eyes. how underdeveloped i am. how terrible it really is to be so emotionally stagnant as to have to force myself with a gun to the neurons to write anything at all, and what's produced is less than par. college has caused my reclusivism to flourish. it's easy to come back to my room after class, eat ramen, and take a nap. it's easy to tell myself i have only been here a short time and i'll make friends while i'm blasting strike anywhere and doing my homework. i want to have fun. i want to not hate myself.

i'm so cut off from everybody even more because i can't talk to them on instant messanger reliably. why do i have to be so slavishly devoted to this device? i am isolated. it's because i'm too lazy to take up danielle's offer and go to bennett 211 to hang out. she invited me on thursday and i never went. she's really nice. i hope i haven't fucked it up.. but that's the story of my existance here. i tried during the first week or so, and i have given up because it is exhausting.

i'm trying to keep on keepin' on, i promise. just throw me a bone. give me a reason not to view my life as an empty and pointless shell where i am simply going through the motions. i feel more alone than i ever have before. i wasn't good enough. i wasn't good enough. i wasn't good enough. for you or him or them.. or myself.

past future

last five entries:
blisters and bruises - 03.18.08
dorsey - 03.13.07
finding peace - 02.02.07
unintentional clean slate - 09.11.06
natural born cyborg - 06.23.06