his hands are grabbing for my pockets and i steal one final glance in the mirror before the last light clicks off. in the darkness there is only the stench of breath and bodies and the whirr of the fan blowing softly across our entertwined legs. i felt your cactus chin scrape my cheek and your lips breathlessly barrage my ears with thoughts i cannot seem to keep stapled to the bulletin board in my brain. no matter how many times i try, i only end up with mutilated slivers of metal filling up the spaces between my toes. and i can't walk.

how much longer can you bear this? you cannot tirelessly beat this drum forever and i cannot provide you with what you're looking for in me. sometimes i think i could and then it's washed away by the tears that run down my cheeks when you ask me so plaintively to just love myself. i want to, you have to believe me. sometimes i think i do. i wish it was as simple as a few whispered words in the early morning hours when you call me sweetheart and i feel so small, crumpled up like paper scraps against black bedsheets. it's just so hard to ignore that horrible voice as it shouts in my ear with every step i take across a midnight sidewalk in a town we both knew. i've lost count of the nights and the fights. i stop and kiss you again and again amidst the beaming streetlights before pushing you away once more, and i'll ask you anew how you mercilessly grip that chain that binds me to you.

past future

last five entries:
blisters and bruises - 03.18.08
dorsey - 03.13.07
finding peace - 02.02.07
unintentional clean slate - 09.11.06
natural born cyborg - 06.23.06