you ever feel like everything has horrible timing? god, i'll never forget that very first day of class where nobody spoke. and we didn't know each other but we sat together because we knew everyone else even less. and as the days wore on our mouths became unglued and we'd whisper tiny phrases towards each others bended ears between frantic scribbles on photocopied packets. we wrote on each others shoes and more and more the tiny phrases became sustained conversations, bolder, more upright. one day at the end of that year in the hallway she asked me if i liked you and i didn't know what to say because i hadn't been admitting it to myself either and now here was someone who wouldn't allow me to shove it to the back of my brain this time.

school got out and we went to the zoo. i wanted so badly to hold your hand but i contented myself with sharing the spoon of a cup of flavored ice, holding it in my mouth to catch every last molecule of you on my tongue and letting it melt slowly down my throat. and framed by the orange square padding of rickety but firmly plodding metro trains you put your arm around me and i put my head on your shoulder. we were so beautiful in that afternoon light.

one day you came to visit me before work, and i invited you upstairs. you sat on my bed and i sat in my chair and you told me how you felt and my heart swelled to a hundred times a hundred times a hundred times its size. and i came over to sit beside you, and you took my hand and we kissed. oh, how i'd been dreaming of that moment for months, and how many months afterwards i'd be dreaming about it. because it was never to happen again.

and now when you hug me i just want to turn into water and saturate the carpet floor below my feet, in with the dust and the bugs and the cheap bundles of thread sticking up at odd intervals. i don't regret a single thing because now we're such good friends, but there are still times when i can't tell you to your face what i want to say. and that's why i wrote you that letter. i've got someone else now, someone amazing, someone better than we would have been, but i still feel you belong in that one aspect of me, the finality in the social gesture of that night. so now i'll fly over land and sea to have the time of my life, and when i get back, i'll know just what my future will be.

past future

last five entries:
blisters and bruises - 03.18.08
dorsey - 03.13.07
finding peace - 02.02.07
unintentional clean slate - 09.11.06
natural born cyborg - 06.23.06