my eyes were freshly red and watery because i'd been bawling on the car ride over. i dried them, but once you've cried hard, it takes a while for the look to fade from your face. when we walked into the reception room i smiled weakly at ms fromme and trailed behind my brother and mom, who'd raced over to talk to her friend ms filemyr. i glanced around and saw mr ritzer looking over at me from across a few tables, and i quickly looked away. i spotted aparna and jilna and made my way over to them. and as soon as i reached them they asked what was wrong and i burst into tears again and asked if they knew where the bathroom was. of course, being the good people that they are, they both took me out to the bathroom, where i attempted to clean myself up. they listened to my story and sympathized, and tried to get my mind off of it by filling me in on some paint branch gossip. "alena's coming, and ms. paoloni is here." "ew, who invited her?" "she doesn't like me." "why, because you aren't a hot guy?" it made me feel a little better.

my eyes were still red, but i straightened my skirt and walked back out of the bathroom with them. i was determined not to let her ruin my night, like she'd already started to do. once we got back into the reception hall, we said hi to some people, and mr ritzer came over. he'd probably noticed my eyes. he asked if i was okay and i told him yes. he already knew the situation because i'd told him and ms beatty earlier. and i knew he knew i wasn't really okay, but he didn't press matters. he acted silly and i know he was trying to cheer me up.

soon, enough people were there that we could start the dinner. aparna was at my table because we'd both picked mr ritzer as our most influential teacher, and jamie was at our table too with ms morse. i didn't speak to my mom and she didn't speak to me, but i talked to everyone else, and it was nice. the food was okay. and then it was time for each of us to go up and recieve our plaques.

eighteen of us. eighteen people out of a class of four hundred. i knew all of the faces, had had classes with all of them, and was friends with many of them. we were the best. the top. how ironic that i sat there, silently suffering my mother's incredibly petty, selfish, obnoxious bitchings, while being honored as one of the top students in my entire class. when they called my name, i went up and i stood there next to mr ritzer while ms waits read the statement that mr ritzer had written about me. it was incredibly sweet and heartfelt. he even mentioned that picture from the art show that i took of myself where only my eyes were showing, that 'in those eyes, you could see the intelligence, creativity, and dedication that she has shown repeatedly in the two years that i have known her.' the only reason i didn't cry was because he'd stuck some funny comments in with the beautiful words. and i hugged him. that wonderful man, so caring, so supportive, such a good friend and teacher. i am going to miss him a lot. i'm going to miss a lot of these people so much, the web of support that's been knit around me by these amazing people i've come to know at this school, who at the drop of a hat will do anything to help me feel better. who care about me more than almost anyone else just because they are such great people. i'll be lucky if i find even one person at goucher that's anywhere near as great as my sweet little jilna, or a teacher one-tenth as amazing as mr ritzer or ms beatty.

that was probably the only good part of my entire day. as soon as i got back in the car with my mom, she told me about all the mistruths ms filemyr had been telling her about the london trip during the dinner. i say mistruths because they probably aren't complete lies, but they're total one sided perceptions of things that, some of which, i dont even remember happening. ms filemyr had the nerve to make me look INCREDIBLY bad to my mom about things i didn't even do, and then had the even bigger nerve to be sweet to my face! god, i can't fucking stand people. although it makes sense that she's my mom's friend if she's such a fucking fake.

whatever. i'm exhausted with this subject and with being awake. i wish i could stay up longer, but i am simply dead. hopefully i'll be around tomorrow.

(i don't really know if i should hope that, but i guess things can only get better.)

past future

last five entries:
blisters and bruises - 03.18.08
dorsey - 03.13.07
finding peace - 02.02.07
unintentional clean slate - 09.11.06
natural born cyborg - 06.23.06