this is fiction, so if you know me please don't get any ideas.

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i ran up the staircase with bass lines thumping into my skull relentlessly and the taunting drumbeats of conversation chasing me, mocking my awkward gait. as quickly as i could, i launched myself into the tiny bathroom and bolted the door. i leaned on the cool porcelain sink and stared at myself for a minute, then stood up straight again. my breath was coming in ragged gasps, and i clutched my hands to my lips to muffle their betrayingly loud sound. calm down calm down calm down calm down calm down, it was all i repeated to myself for several minutes as i reflected yet again on my own personal insanity. you make absolutely no sense, you bitch, you're lucky people have put up with you for this long. you're lucky they'll even put up with you examining the fact that they've put up with you for this long. sometimes i think i should just be sent straightaway to a mental hospital in some distant land so some hot shot doctors can tell me what's wrong with my brain and no one will really have to think about me except maybe to send a card at christmas, if they're so inclined, while they continue their own normal lives.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I WRITING. AND WHO AM I KIDDING THAT IT IS 'FICTION'. I SHOULDNT POST THIS. I REALLY NEED TO PRACTICE BURYING THIS INSIDE MYSELF BECAUSE NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR ME FUCKING RAMBLE ABOUT THINGS THAT MAKE NO SENSE. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT IM DOING ANYMORE.

i'm sorry. no more of this, ever. and no more of me being unnaturally quiet for no apparent reason and not laughing at jokes, no more of me being scared of things i've never done before, no more of me acting stupid and petty and immature. from this day forth, i'd better get used to the fact that i'm about to be all by myself in fucking baltimore, and i need to learn how to handle myself. you'd think i'd know by now. whatever. this is a promise to myself that things will change and that i will no longer be such a downer when my brain attacks me. i will fight back, and i will win. i will not be paranoid. and i will not be the annoyingly stupid panicky me that i have been to my friends lately. there is no reason not to be happy right now. things are good. i just need to remember that, and i'll be okay.

past future

last five entries:
blisters and bruises - 03.18.08
dorsey - 03.13.07
finding peace - 02.02.07
unintentional clean slate - 09.11.06
natural born cyborg - 06.23.06