he called me last night. i just wanted to let you know, he said, that i was thinking about it and it's been a month since we started doing this and i really like how things are going and i really like you and i am on my way to philadelphia goodbye. and i smiled because i had just seen him a half hour earlier and had dinner with his friends one of whom i'm sure will make my face turn red on many more occasions until this is over. he's just like that, you see. abrasive. but they are friends and i love a challenge.

a challenge, you know. want to know what's a real challenge? drowsing in his bed wearing almost nothing but a thin notion of the possibility of self esteem existing somewhere in the many nooks and crannies created by the folds of my stomach. i often still feel helpless. i lost my workout routine weeks ago somewhere between midterms and sleepovers and coming home for break. and i hate that i think about the fat on my body when he's kissing me and i should be thinking about the warm friction our tummies create when they overlap under the blanket.

hate hate hate. gotta do something. and please bite my ass one more time.

past future

last five entries:
blisters and bruises - 03.18.08
dorsey - 03.13.07
finding peace - 02.02.07
unintentional clean slate - 09.11.06
natural born cyborg - 06.23.06