she was grinning, i remember that much. it was dark and cold and the snow was only falling inside the globe of weak fluorescence surrounding the lamppost above, as if i'd stuck my hand up there and shaken it only moments before. we were the plastic painted figurines- wait, no, porcelain- this was no cheap imitation. her fingers loosely twined with mine, she looked away quickly, and then back at me with those honeydrop eyes. and i understood, comprehended, felt, so, right with her happiness. very rare is the gift of loving understanding in a friendship after having gone through so much, both romantically and with others and in general, in finding ourselves and where we wanted to be. i left a shard of myself buried deep in her palm, i know that, and i felt it rub against me that night she came back and laid next to me with her hand briefly on my waist as we talked. but i'd like to think she left a piece of herself buried in me too. i know that the scars will not pain us ever again with longing for the past, but the magnetic curving pulls will keep us from ever being too far apart. i have said my goodbyes and i have said my hellos. and truly, it is fine with me.

because now i'm just a little bit closer to knowing who i am and what i want. i'm returning latenight grins, saying 'excuse me one moment please' on the telephone, taking dangerous strolls on the edge of edginess and the sides of sidewalks. i'm digging myself slowly into a new, soft, sturdy palm, i'm feeling insistent pricks in the center of my own. there's room for more icicles in this snowglobe, i think, and they aren't melting anytime soon. so stir it up. i'm ready.

past future

last five entries:
blisters and bruises - 03.18.08
dorsey - 03.13.07
finding peace - 02.02.07
unintentional clean slate - 09.11.06
natural born cyborg - 06.23.06