i've felt restless and unable to focus lately, the way i always feel before and during my period. i got back from class at 10:30 this morning, warmed up phoebe's heating pad, took some midol, and snuggled in my bed while watching trash television. maury and jerry and jenny have been my sick day friends since eighth grade, the year my mom started letting me stay home from school for the terrible cramps i always get. those days were my salvation from the stress of everything going on my life, because i could rest my mind and try to expel all of the negative energy built up without involving others.

i really hate the way i get mentally at certain times in my cycle, but at least i know why i do, and it helps me try to curb it. little things help, too. today the lady at the bookstore said she hoped i felt better when i came up to the counter with two boxes of midol. my tv production teacher was the first person to notice that i cut my hair, and thought it was the most amazing thing he'd ever seen. he's in his late thirties or early forties, is the floor director for wjz's news, and gets really excited about shotgun mics. he made me shake my head back and forth to see how my hair moved. and phoebe brought me back some green bananas from the dining hall because she knows i only like them and they rarely have any that aren't old and yellowy brown.

it's so much easier to stay posi when everyone around me is randomly kind without even knowing it. it reminds me of that clich� old story about the popular kid who dropped his books and a geeky kid stopped to help him pick them up and they became friends. when the popular kid was making his graduation speech years later he said the other kid hadn't even known it but the popular kid was going to go home and kill himself that day, and the geeky kid saved him just by performing one random act of kindness. it's so inspiring to think of the effect i can have on others when i look at the effect they have on me even without trying.

past future

last five entries:
blisters and bruises - 03.18.08
dorsey - 03.13.07
finding peace - 02.02.07
unintentional clean slate - 09.11.06
natural born cyborg - 06.23.06