i've been adjusting and empowering and overstaying my welcome. last night i fell asleep to the sounds of hedwig crooning with the covers wrapped around me and the window above my bed cracked open. someone materialized beside me in the throes of my oncoming slumber and i was filled to the brim with one of my famous smiles when i felt his hands on my hipbones, guiding gentle waves of movement. the notion kept me safe as i descended into the night alone again, grinning recklessly at strangers on the sidewalk, looking away quickly when our eyes connect, my heart swelling when they say "how're you doing?" sometimes people notice that i am shy, but they also notice that i am genuine.

she kissed the girl. i knew it would happen, and i know she is lovely, and i wonder why she stands out from the rest of us so much. they were drunk. sometimes i think it is funny that i don't drink or do drugs considering how active my imagination is and how often i live inside a world of my own daydreams. what i mean to say is that i suppose thriving on fleeting moments and hopes means i wish sometimes that they would be real and come true. and it seems that alcohol is a catalyst for my friends' carefully guarded dreams to become reality. but what i can't decide is if it is really reality. it happens in the physical world, but is it truly reality when you fall back on something else to help you say or do what you normally couldn't? somehow it affirms me more when i am able to do something of my own volition. i rarely can, though i am getting better i can feel it. and my friends are sticking by me and i can tell it will be okay when i am ranting and being unreasonable and difficult and i can still rest my head on their shoulders, shouting in their ears. it is so easy for me to be human but so hard for me to accept that i am only that.

i am just typing as i think so please forgive me if this offends you as it is not intended to have any bearing on the lives of anyone else. if you read this, i doubt i'm referring to you anyhow.

past future

last five entries:
blisters and bruises - 03.18.08
dorsey - 03.13.07
finding peace - 02.02.07
unintentional clean slate - 09.11.06
natural born cyborg - 06.23.06