[crossposted from my livejournal. deal with it.]

mostly i've been hugging to my knees to my chest with a pen and a notebook and a furrowed brow, trying to make sense of life stories in other languages. attempting to read simple novels in french and taking hours to grasp even the smallest concepts makes me question whether i'll ever possess an understanding of its nuances, be able to craft french grammar and syntax to my will. i can write a sentence in english and move the different pieces around to reverberate certain chords in your brain when you read it so you'll understand what i mean, or what i want you to understand about what i mean. it's solely my desire to have this ability with french that wakes me up at eight four mornings a week, gives me the patience to sit still for two and a half hours in a night to crossreference nouns and verbs and answer questions.

once my brain is sufficiently reduced to mush, i close my books and sit listening to girls plotting valentines day mischief. i can't help but think to myself that there's not much point in it. i've grappled with the concept of valentines day many times over the years. some years i've decided it's a stupid pointless holiday, that it doesn't matter if i do anything special for it. some years i've hated it with a passion and written poems clouded with rage. some years i've pined for someone to spend it with, someone to be as cliche as possible and buy me flowers or chocolate or go out to dinner with me. and every year i've given out those little cartoon valentines you can buy in bulk at the supermarket without much of a commitment on either end of the line. but this year what i want, what i for some reason can't get out of my head is firey hellish monstrous enormous wonderful passion, sweat mixing on skin and mouths pressed together almost too hard in the frantic rush to be one and feel something for a few hours. i want to exchange whispers and feel eyelashes fluttering against my lips when i smile in the dark and feel the soft flesh of a nose pressed into and slowly exhaling across the inside of my neck.

i wish i could create some sort of understanding with somebody to carry out this plan of single night concupiscence and leave those emotions inside the hours that create them without any binding contracts extending elsewhere in either of our lives. we'd simply smile every once in a while when we are together and catch each others eyes conspiratorially, sharing privately that primal basic thing that makes us all so incredibly human.

past future

last five entries:
blisters and bruises - 03.18.08
dorsey - 03.13.07
finding peace - 02.02.07
unintentional clean slate - 09.11.06
natural born cyborg - 06.23.06