i woke up shivering again and glanced at the clock. 7:30. jesus, i only got ten minutes of sleep that time. my right nostril is stuffed beyond all relief from the dust and dog hair at my eye level, the blanket is doing nothing to keep me warm, the floor is hard. behind me i hear whispering and giggling, every few minutes the beep of a dying fire detector battery. i am alone.

earlier found me pacing from room to room trying to find that one sanctuary where there wasn't a couple snuggling, struggling not to explode nauseatingly from the sodas i had consumed so self righteously hours earlier. 'i love you jen' 'we love you jen' that's what they all say to me while they hold each others hands. but when all is said and done i'm still the one with my teeth chattering on the fucking floor. i thrive so heartily on physical contact but i never know any of the politics behind it, who i can touch without leading on, who i can touch who won't be uncomfortable with a friendly cuddle, whose significant other won't be mad at me for touching their partner.

i got up shaking and wideawake at 8:30, tied my shoes, and walked out, fuming without knowing why. i think i'm just psychotic. but if you are a regular reader of this diary, you know i am anyhow. the one person who has stood by me through my psychoses and still wanted to kiss and hold me has his own complete and unabridged set of emotional issues to work out for himself, which i guess would make us a compatibly depressing pair but that's not exactly how it works nor is it necessarily what i want.

i don't want to talk about this with anyone here at school. i know as soon as i see her she's going to ask if i had fun, what i did, who was there, what color shoes they had on, living vicariously through the fact that i am acquaintanced with so many people. i don't want to face it. i don't want to think about everyone and their relationships that exclude me on their deepest levels; even she has that one person she knows she can wake up next to on odd weekends. i don't want to think about how cold i always am in the morning.

it's going to be a long winter.

past future

last five entries:
blisters and bruises - 03.18.08
dorsey - 03.13.07
finding peace - 02.02.07
unintentional clean slate - 09.11.06
natural born cyborg - 06.23.06