i found my old website the other day.

it's weird, thinking about how much things have changed since then. even since i last updated the "you" page.. when i updated that page, i was dating josh. the takoma park kids had barely even begun to be a part of my life. but i don't really know much about myself from that point. i can't remember.. that kills me. all i have are sporadic journal entries to read and try to remember. i cling on to the past way, way too much. i love reveling in memories and the way my mind percieves the past to have been, instead of facing the moment. it's hard, though. especially when i look at pictures of myself, and i know how much more goodlooking i was then than i am now, and yet i wasn't even satisfied then. i always want more.. then, i didn't see myself as looking very good. now i just want to get back to then. it's neverending until eventually i just collapse in on myself like an unmortared brick wall.

it's not just the weight, though. it's how i only rememember the good things and romanticize the bad, so no matter when i am, the past always looks better. i need to focus on now.. i'm such a daydreamer, and i revel in dreams- not of what i will be, but what i have been. the future's never looked bleaker. my head's stuck in the year 2001-2002, tpc, electric maid, photography, longmeade, cedar ridge, adam, ms brinsko, tv production, riderwood, sex, michael, tennis, poetry, confidence in tank tops. i need a good fong in the arse.

i stole "a good fong in the arse" from angela's ashes. jenny used to say i stole things in my writing, but i always gave credit where it was due. my writing is one of the few things i have left. don't pull it out from underneath me.

past future

last five entries:
blisters and bruises - 03.18.08
dorsey - 03.13.07
finding peace - 02.02.07
unintentional clean slate - 09.11.06
natural born cyborg - 06.23.06