i'm like an onion with too many lumpy, bulgy, fleshy layers. and no matter how hard i try and how deep and hard i claw with frantic fingernails that are always too short i can't seem to peel myself apart. i look in the mirror and cringe and say aloud to myself 'that is disgusting.' i sigh and scream to empty rooms empty words like 'WHY AM I FAT?' i want to take scissors and cut it all off, i want to chop it off with an axe. i had myself under control for a while, but to add to the terrible things about this summer i have gained back some weight and i feel disgusting again. i can't stand to be me and i can't think about anything else at any moment. it's the first thing i see when i wake up and the last nagging byline before i drift into unconciousness in the early morning hours.

TYPICAL GIRL! TYPICAL GIRL!

the billboards shriek in my face with statistics and facts and leering boys with no differentiation between myself and every other self-hating female my age. well i'm fucking sorry. no matter how hard i pump the elliptical or slam the tennis ball, no matter how many apples and granolas i consume it's always back to those comfort layers taking over, shoveling greasy potatoes and chicken from work into my mouth as i watch helplessly from the back of my mind. if i can't learn to stop myself i'm going to keep getting fatter. i've got to get back. get it off of me, please just rip it off my body, i'd rather see it gone and bleed to death than stay this way.

past future

last five entries:
blisters and bruises - 03.18.08
dorsey - 03.13.07
finding peace - 02.02.07
unintentional clean slate - 09.11.06
natural born cyborg - 06.23.06